by PokerAnon ~ April 26th, 2010. Filed under: Non-playing grind posts.

Okay, so a few days ago I was enjoying this run at $100nl, now I’m becoming afraid to play.

Two weeks ago I would have been afraid to play just because I’d never done it before. Now I’m afraid to play because I might lose, while at the same time I’m downplaying the ups from winning, meaning I’m left with that which I can’t control as easily, which is the fear of losing. Is it the cash? Losing chunks of bankroll is never fun but I’ve got a stoploss which is just a small portion of my total bankroll. Is it fear of spazzing and breaking the stoploss? Is it the blow to the ego if losing “proves” that I can’t play at $100nl?

I went back and tried to find posts that related to the fear of breaking the winning streak at $25nl from last fall, and one that takes me back to the days after first starting $25nl. Like many situations this is a recurring pattern for me.

What is fear? Anticipating something bad, unpleasant, that looms in the future. If I start up a table, will it hurt to do so? Will it be painful? Or will the unpleasant stuff start later, when I make my first preflop raise? Or with the first loss? Or later after the session?

And what happened to the enjoyment? After the first down session has all the first blush gone off the novelty value?

How did I end up imprisoned in this no-win situation, where any loss is just “bringing me down to my true level” and any up session just “variance which is unsustainable”? No wonder I’m afraid to open up tables.

In the movie “WarGames” the computer program that is about to initiate a nuclear war when it decides that “the only winning move is not to play” after being forced to play multiple games of tic-tac-toe. But for me there are still potential gains; financial gains, FPP gains, and more importantly experiential and educational gains if I can get past this.

I – should – just – keep – playing – until – I – lose – my – $100 – stake.

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