Who is “I” again

by ~ August 31st, 2008. Filed under: Philosophy and approach.

The other night I went back and played a play money SnG again. I went back for a specific reason; to revisit the issue of personal attachment to my player persona.

I‘ve recently had the sense that I’m getting too connected to my player personality again, so I wanted to see if I replayed my Bet/Raise/Fold exercise if I would feel that same dissonance as I felt when I ran that project. That dissonance arises because I’m forced into playing a style that is not my usual game, although honestly it’s not that far off. Because I can only bet/raise/fold/check (in other words I can’t call except for calling shoves) I play tighter and more aggressive than my normal game. Somehow just being aware of this restriction as I play heightens the awareness of this “misrepresentation” of myself, and misrepresenting myself makes me uncomfortable.

Now I’m sure that not everyone would feel the same as me, or at least not to that same degree. But being too connected to my username/login as an online poker player means that I’m too emotionally connected to the game.

It’s possible that my acting experience, as little as it is, and other arts related background factors into this. As well as perhaps some teaching background, and some background as a crisis line volunteer. All of these types of things involve some degree of being able to connect with another entity, whether real or an artistic fabrication.

My spouse thinks that the fact that I’m trying to shake my attachment to my poker-self is reason for dissonance, which may be true in this case, but wasn’t the situation in my previous project.

So, there is something there. When I play a freeroll, it doesn’t matter too much what I do. Right now I’m playing a 6 seater play money tourney and the first hand I get JJ. Person to my right raises big, I don my freeroll hat and shove. He has AK that misses and I double up first hand. But it made it much easier for me to think “freeroll” and that makes the shove easier.

But donning a “freeroll” hat makes it easy to make donkey plays, so it’s kinda cheating. What I’m trying to do is to free myself to make any play at any time. Now, a play against my better judgement is a different matter, though I probably make those at times as well when I’m tilting.

I dunno; I’m kind of meandering and not finding a path to a convincing answer. Maybe this is like theatersports; all the training and practice leads me to act in a certain manner and in order to break free I need to be confronted with totally unusual or unexpected situations much like what happens when you do theatersports.

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